The next day came and although I was still exhausted from the previous night, I was looking forward to the coming night. It would be our final ceremony, and I was glad for that. I wanted a break from all the work being done here over the week. I was grateful to have one more night of the intensity, difficulty, and cleansing to be followed by plenty of time to rest and process it all on the other side.
The day proceeded lazily. I did some journaling and tried to take a nap. I was still feeling weak from the prior night, but managed to get in some kettlebell training and pull-ups in the gym, which got the heart and blood moving and made me feel a lot better.
In the afternoon, we had an expedition to fish for piranhas in the Amazon. We were using Tom Sawyer-style fishing poles (or is it native Amazonian fishing poles?) made of a four foot stick from a tree, an equal length of line, and a fishing hook with pieces of bait on it. The fish mostly stole my bait, but a few others in the group caught some tiny fish, no piranhas though. One of our guides, using a real fishing rod and reel, hooked into something huge that took a bunch of line off his real and eventually broke the line after he battled with it for a spell. After that we drove up a tributary to a safe spot with no piranhas or other dangerous river monsters, and jumped in the dark black water to go swimming. So refreshing after an hour of baking in the hot sun while fishing!
We headed back, had a floral bath, and I spent the following hour or two in the maloca preparing for the night’s ceremony.
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My intention for the ceremony was to gain insight for my future, particularly what to do for a living in the future as my highest self, and also to continue to strengthen myself as a light warrior.
Wiler’s healing and icaro for me was intended to clean marijuana from my being as it is a sticky, darker energy plant and it’s dark energy has remained with me.
I was the first person to drink again this ceremony, similar to the second ceremony. I took a full dose again. The medicine started off slowly this time, its effects setting in gradually. Shit soon got out of hand.
I have tried and tried to remember what happened during the early parts of this ceremony, but cannot remember anything distinctly. However, it was extremely intense and unequivocally powerful. A lot of cleansing was happening and it was again very difficult and uncomfortable. Things were moving so fast and it was so far out that it was hard to center myself. I was physically moving my arms, and batted Zach, on the mat to my right, in the head once or twice. I was switching between lying down and seated a lot.
At one point, I was immersed in a sea of energy and compelled to stand up. I felt like I was doing what the medicine wanted me to do. I put my hands and arms in the air in a ‘we are the champions’ style pose with legs spread wide, firm to the ground. However, I was still quite unstable and stumbled a few times, knocking over my ashtray and creating a commotion in the maloca. I was having incredible, vibrant, colorful energy come up from my legs through and around my body, shooting upward through my arms and hands.
Tamara came over to attempt to get me under control and back to sitting on my mat. She wasn’t able to, and said she was going to let me stand if I could be careful of my surroundings. She left, and I think I was under control for about one minute before I continued creating a commotion and she came back to attend to me. I didn’t actually realize it was the ‘real’ Tamara though. All I was seeing was her disembodied face coming through. I thought it was Tamara as a spirit-helper sent to assist me. I was seeing her, disembodied, as this amazing, playful spirit from the infinite realm, shaman-like. Some difficult feelings and emotions about love and letting women into my heart surfaced. She was laughing and smiling, helping me to understand the idiocy of the feelings, all the while with compassion and sympathy. I hugged Tamara. Tightly. Very tightly. I might have had a moment of gentle weeping as I was hugging her so tightly, telling her I loved her. I kissed the top of her head many times.
Ian came over to help. He looked amazing, like he had native-style war paint on, and had several eyes in his forehead. We did an awesome group hug, mostly me hugging the shit out of the two of them. I told them I loved them and we had a bit of a laugh. I felt blessed to be with these two who knew their way about the ayahuasca realms so well. Good teachers they are.
Things released and I settled down. I sat down on my mat. Things were still happening unbelievably powerfully and a lot of intense work was being done, but I was better able to stay centered. I was feeling the shamans’ power very distinctly. Wiler, Ernesto, and Angelita’s faces were coming through individually and sometimes in tandem, swooping in at me from above where they were sitting to my left. I don’t know exactly what they were doing but it was intense work, something about trusting them and the medicine and loving the process. As I loved and fully accepted it all, their images stopped appearing. It felt like there was something between me and Wiler as he came through longer and larger in magnitude the other two (or maybe it was because he is the lead shaman), but it was eventually resolved between us and he stopped appearing.
My good friend Adam Marciniak showed up in some intense, whirling imagery. It was as though he had drank ayahuasca and was going through the process. He seemed to be doing intense work, experiencing difficulty. I had some things to resolve with Adam as well, I cannot say what exactly, but I let whatever it was go, and told him to go be with the medicine. He whirled away, but later showed up again. He was literally being torn to pieces, pulled apart in two or three different directions. He asked me if I had any advice for him gesturing to his situation of being torn apart, and I told him to accept and trust the medicine completely, and to confront whatever it was showing him so that he may release it. He seemed to understand, even though he was fearful, and whirled away. After reflecting on these visions with Adam, I was left thinking perhaps they were metaphorical. A lot of what ayahuasca does is take you apart for a thorough cleaning and then puts you back together. Like taking apart a motor to clean in the nooks and crannies of the machinery so that it can then be rebuilt and run at peak performance. Adam had expressed to me an interest in taking aya, so maybe it was foreshadowing as well.
Next, I was in a seated position, but would intermittently be pushed back down to lying position as I was dealing with something. I would remain lying until I made a realization and was ready to overcome it. I would then rise back up to seated and be rooted and centered until some other issue would come up, make me lose my center, push me back to lying, and the process would repeat.
I started to be released from the intense parts of the medicine and started to feel centered and strong. I was feeling deep empathy and compassion for the group in the room. I was seeing myself as a beacon of light for those wayward, struggling. Like a signpost of sorts on their journey. I started offering a lot of words of encouragement to those around me: “We’re doing great guys”, “let it go,” “don’t fight it, let it in,” “stay centered,” “accept it and release it,” “everything is perfect,” etc, ect. I hope my words of encouragement to those around me were helpful and reassuring as that was my intention. I hope I did not distract them from their experiences.
At one point, Miles who was having the most difficult experience in the group, shouted something like, “FUCK YOU, get off of me!” very loudly. I immediately laughed and said something like, “You tell that motherfucker!” and others laughed. He later yelled something like, “You sexy bitch!” and I let out a “Whoop, whoop!” and others laughed again. It felt good to be somewhat of a comforting force in the room, especially after what I had already been through myself that night.
During all this, I would temporarily go wayward and deal with something that came up, mostly feelings of doubt, but then return to center and resume the, “We’re doing great guys, the medicine is helping and perfecting us” attitude.
The ceremony was winding down and I went to the bathroom for another epic purge, shitting out more emotional energy that doesn’t serve me anymore. I returned to my mat and smoked some mapachos while enjoying the remnants of the final ceremony.
The ceremony ended and I felt great relief and gratitude. I didn’t get much clarity regarding my future, but I felt as though the medicine further strengthened and prepared me so that I can handle anything that comes my way in the future. I now feel like a hero or something. Like, in a situation where a wrong or injustice is being committed and a group of people are witnessing it, but not acting, standing around saying, “Someone should do something,” that I’ll be the one to step up and do something, without hesitating.
In group share the next day, Tamara told me that when I was having the intense experience standing up, causing a commotion, I was saying, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!…” with my arms up moving in a bowing motion. Yeah, that sounds about right…I have no idea what was really going on during all that, but I know that it was fantastic. She was laughing about the whole thing and I was glad that my grabbing her and embracing her so tightly wasn’t too out of line.
After group share, we had lunch and then packed up our things into the riverboat. About six people in our group were staying behind for two and three week retreats. We said our goodbyes to those that were staying behind. It was tough to part as the camaraderie of the group had grown strong after four ayahuasca ceremonies together, the sharing of our experiences in the ceremonies, and the bonding that had occurred during the week together in the jungle.