After lunch, we had a short expedition to a nearby village to see some sloths.
After the expedition, the group did another floral bath, then most of us hung out on the walkway at the front of the lodge overlooking the Amazon until dark. I noticed that most people seemed to take the idea of ‘protection’ offered by the floral bath a bit more seriously this time. Everyone hanging out was upbeat and excited about the ceremony to begin in a couple hours. This was in contrast to my previous aya retreat where most people were more nervous heading into the second ceremony. My previous intuition of having a solid, strong group was proving apt.
After sunset, I changed clothes and went to the maloca to prepare for the ceremony to begin at 7:30. I carefully arranged all my things (bucket, flashlight, mapachos, lighter, ashtray, water) near my mat so I could remember where they are if needed during ceremony. I put agua de florida all over myself, then blessed myself with mapacho smoke for extra protection during the nights journey to the spirit world. I then sat in meditation, trying to keep my mind calm and still, until the ceremony began. It was a difficult task as my mind was racing in anticipation of what was to come.
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Ceremony #2
My intention was for the medicine to open up my heart to pure love, and to continue the themes of the first ceremony: to reinforce and strengthen the centering I had experienced, which will enable me to be unwavering as my highest self.
Wiler’s healing and icaro for me was intended to open my heart.
I was the first person to drink this ceremony. This entails being called up to sit on a mat in front of the three shamans. Ian asks how much you’d like to drink and pours you a dose of the dark amber brew. I elected to take a full shot, which is basically considered one full dose, the same as I had done last ceremony. Some others in the group decided to ramp it up and take larger doses this ceremony, but I had a crazy and powerful enough experience during the previous night’s ceremony that, if anything, I was considering taking less. As a side note, the amount of ayahuasca you take does not necessarily dictate the magnitude of your experience—you can just as easily have a paradigm shifting, ego shattering experience on a half shot as on two full shots.
After you receive the cup with your dose from Ian, you are encouraged to put your intention into the cup of liquid prior to consuming. After my prior experiences with the medicine, I take this part seriously, so I sit there for about 30-45 seconds looking at the thick red liquid in the cup, mentally reviewing my intentions, and asking the spirit of ayahuasca for healing. This is generally longer than just about anyone else in the group takes to drink after receiving their dose, but, like I said, I take intention setting seriously—thoughts and intentions matter, not just in ceremony, but in all aspects of life. I drank and returned to my mat. I sat in a meditation style pose trying to keep my mind free of fear. This is hard to do because the horrible taste of the brew reminds the body and mind of what is about to happen. My mind started reeling, shouting pleas and fearful thoughts, trying to dissuade me and squirm its way out of the impending experience—my ego trying to protect itself from being diminished by the medicine. Nevertheless, I tried to focus on my breathing and keep my mind still while waiting for the other 17 members of the group to go up and drink before the icaros begin.
The medicine started setting in rapidly. I was already drifting away before all the members of the group had drank. Once everyone had drank, Sylvia blew out that candles and we were engulfed in total darkness. After the candles are out, we usually sit in dark silence for about 20-30 minutes while the shamans feel out the energy of the room, deciding when it is appropriate to commence their singing. Once the candles were out, I immediately started seeing cascading fractal patterns of increasing intensity. The palette of the fractals was very dark, mostly black—lines of grey and white delineating shapes and patterns against a black background. I was nervous because the effects had set in so rapidly. I had never had it set in this quickly. I started sensing intelligence permeating through the shifting array of kaleidoscopic scenery.
When the shamans started singing, I blasted off to a colorful, whirling world of vibrating, healing energy. Intelligent tubular forms started entering me, extracting mental and emotional wounds. I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, but I knew the medicine was working on me intensely. I was struggling a bit, fearful and afraid like a child, and wasn’t sure why. Then I realized the flashing, tubular, intelligent entities were trying to get into certain parts of my head and I was subconsciously blocking them. My ingrained defense mechanisms were working on high alert. I mentally said, “No! I’m opening up, I am hear for healing and nowhere and nothing inside of me is off limits.” I let the entities in entirely. I spread my arms and legs open wide and mentally said, “Go wherever you want, do whatever you need to do.” At this point the intelligence seemed pleased and the process seemed to go easier and flow smoother. I shrugged off the fears I was having about encountering emotional trauma that was embedded inside of me and found my center, found the fearless, luminous part of myself. I was almost having fun with the process now, more actively engaging with the medicine and the healing entities that were engaging me. I was blown away by some of the stuff that was surfacing. I was saying things like “Wow, what is that still doing in there?!” and “Wow, why am I holding onto that?” So much of the things that were showing up seemed stupid, insignificant, trivial. I was amazed that these things were inside of me, effecting me. I was saying (aloud) things like, “If you’re not serving my highest self, you’re not welcome here, please leave my being.” I felt centered, rooted, in tune with my infinite self.
At one point in the ceremony, I had a realization. I can’t exactly remember when, but it was earlier on, when I was really uncomfortable and fearful. I was wondering how much longer the intense, crazy, mind-bendingness would last, hoping it would end, thinking that I didn’t like it, that I didn’t want to follow through and do two more ceremonies after this one. I was wallowing in these thoughts for a while before it came to me that these thoughts are rooted in fear and are the exact type of thing I need cleaned out of me in order to achieve my highest self. After all, the luminous part of me isn’t scared of going to the uncomfortable parts of myself, of going to the dark realms. The shamans aren’t scared of these places. And that’s what I’m trying to essentially achieve, to be more shaman-like, a light warrior. So I bucked up and embraced everything that came my way, even if it was difficult or scary, and things flowed smoother.
I began feeling intense gratitude towards the shamans and the medicine, towards Source for letting me have this human experience in my current incarnation. I was thanking the shamans saying mentally, and occasionally aloud, things like “Thanks guys, thanks for helping me out with all this.” I was trusting in the process, trusting in the shamans, trusting in the medicine, trusting in the disembodied intelligence, and trusting in myself.
Things were going relatively well, but at times it was almost as if it was testing me. I would begin struggling, spinning out, and getting the fear, and I would notice I was at that moment having doubts in my trust of the process. When I began trusting again, things felt better.
At one point, I was physically blasted backwards from my meditation posture and knocked into the back wall of the maloca, hitting my left shoulder and the back of my head fairly hard. I found myself on my left side in a fetal position. I tried to get up, but was physically unable to move. There was a heavy black blob of an entity holding me down. I was feeling the fear, scared again like a child. Then I realized there was nothing to fear—the infinite, timeless part of myself is indestructible and cannot be harmed by this entity. Once I realized this, and more importantly, felt it inside myself and banished the fear of destruction of my physical body, I was immediately able to sit up and the dark blob went away. It seemed like another test of my centeredness and communion with my infinite self.
After this I felt super rooted through my spine and seat in my meditation posture. The work of the medicine suddenly seemed to go easier again. I was releasing lots of psychic gobbledygook.
During the time when I felt like was working well WITH the medicine, at one point I was able to pull back my perspective and observe how the medicine was working. I saw a cancerous emotion, it looked something like a squid inside of me, with tentacles going into various parts of my being. I saw its tentacles going into many different aspects of my life. I saw the medicine showing me how it was effecting me in each of these aspects. Showing me so I can confront it, come to terms with it, and then become ready to let it go. When I was ready to let it go, the medicine would gently make the tentacle unclench. Then it would move on to the next aspect of my life and loosen the tentacle that went in there. It would progress like this until all the tentacles were released, then it would gently pull the entire thing out, like pulling a weed.
My experience shifted to a different phase, where I was seeing lots of friends and family. Seeing imperfections in our relationships and all the stupid stuff we let stand in the way of true, pure loving relationships. I saw us releasing all the judgments we place on each other, and all the silly differences we’ve held between us. We were all then able to truly love, respect, and enjoy the essence of each other. I saw myself with huge arms, embracing everybody. There was a sense of me being the person I want to be. A sense of being a leader. I saw myself forming a new tribe with myself as a guiding light, a beacon for the tribe. It was a beautiful feeling—me with my tribe of my family and true friends, and knowing a family of my own would continue this tribe. I felt very open, welcoming, and accepting. All who come with love and respect are welcome in my tribe. Our tribe takes care of its own, takes care of its old (for one day we will be old too). I was proud and felt strong with an open heart—like the man I want to be.
But I had the sense I was forgetting somebody when I was forgiving and releasing the things held between my family and friends. I heard the sound of crying—hysterical, uncontrollable crying—coming from what sounded like a boy. I couldn’t see who or where it was coming from, but I intuited that it was Phil, my best friend who had committed suicide eight years ago. I couldn’t see him, but I knew he was there, that it was him crying. Tears began to well up in my eyes. I mentally said, “It’s ok. I understand. I forgive you, and I love you.” It resonated, and the sadness faded away.
I wept without tears for the beauty, purity, and amazingness of everything, of my human experience. I was again intensely, intensely grateful to the medicine, the curanderos, the process for helping me with all this. I was then released from the intense grasp of the medicine and was almost back to normal. I unsteadily stood up, got my feet underneath me, and stumbled to the bathroom to have an epic purge, just an awesome evacuation of my bowels.
I returned to the maloca and was back to physically manifested reality. This was somewhat early in the ceremony. The ceremony lasted for another 1.5-2 hours or so after I had come back down. After of about 20-30 minutes of being back, I wondered if I should take another booster dose to continue my process of healing, but I was happy with what I had received and was also glad to be done with that intense, difficult, mind-bending experience. That was enough for one day.
I was called up for my icaro, and sat in front of the shamans between two of the female group members. I guess we were all called up there together because we all needed the same thing—opening of our hearts. All three shamans sang in tandem. Although the medicine had worn off, it was still very beautiful and I tried to receive all I could from it. I puffed my chest out and opened my heart yoga-style to the singing. I do feel as though I could feel my heart soften, become more supple during the icaro. As a side note, I later asked Tamara if it mattered whether I was still under the deep, intense influence of the medicine for the personal icaro to have its effect, and she told me it did not matter—the icaro would have its intended effect no matter if I was in the intense phase of the ceremony or not.
I returned to my mat and smoked mapachos for the rest of the ceremony. I tried to send out good vibes to the rest of the group, many of whom were still under the heavy influence of the medicine and having hard times, mentally saying things like, “Good job guys, we’re doing great, we’re getting what we need.”
The ceremony closed, and I don’t think it’s a stretch to say that everyone in the room was relieved. There was a muted applause after Wiler said the ceremony-closing remarks, and the room was quiet afterwards. It seemed many people had done a lot of difficult work, myself included. Not many people were chatting afterwards. I tried to have conversations with a couple people in the group, but they seemed spent. I too felt physically exhausted. I abided and went to sleep on my mat in the maloca shortly after eating some of the fruit that is brought into the maloca after every ceremony.
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The themes of this ceremony were similar to those of the first ceremony: extraction and purging of mental and emotional energy that no longer served me, followed by centering and strengthening of my identity as a luminous being. Despite all this, and despite the fact that my experience was shorter in duration, this one was overall more difficult and disconcerting. It’s all a bit bewildering and a lot to take in. I was tremendously happy the following day was a day of rest.
Beautiful work, Matt. Thank you.